Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
