Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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