Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
