"it" just moved
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i think my cat just said my name.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
