Just cropdusted the office
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize