btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
