Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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