The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
