Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
