Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
