if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
either way he was missing a nipple.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
