when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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