I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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