You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
