you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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