I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
