It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
