the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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