I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
