Is it because I queefed?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
