Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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