He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
