Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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