I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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