I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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