I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
