There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
