He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
