dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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