in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
