i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
