So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize