I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
