WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
