Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
