Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Come on in and take your pants off
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