Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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