HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
