I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
