Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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