My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
