she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
