You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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