Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
