Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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