I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
