even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize