at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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