Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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