It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
