my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He better not be in your backpack
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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