I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
