I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
