FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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