My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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