I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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