I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
