Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
