I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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