Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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