new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
