my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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