Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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