Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
