So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize